I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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