Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
