Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
