I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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