i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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