If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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