I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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