Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
