YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
is wine microwaveable?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You left your phone here
Wait...
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