Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
