I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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