Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
