So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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