...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
