Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm like, not good at living.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
