I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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