i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
