Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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