Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
