My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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