I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
