i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
