We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
