Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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