I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
