just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
