Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
