well I can't set my house on fire every night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize