Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just puked most of my soul out..
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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