i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Two words: nipple clamps
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