I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
