atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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