I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
