We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
