All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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