"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
