I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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