guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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