we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
