By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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