I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
