The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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