Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
