I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
