does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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