Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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