Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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