he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
