her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
