i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
where am i from again
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
