i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i already hear my dad disowning me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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