I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
