i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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