So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
time to smoke my breakfast
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize