It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
