I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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