The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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