If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
