I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
