he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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