Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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